sunflower fairy

A glimpse of Easter...

I feel I had a glimpse of Easter when my thesis mentor texted me that it's all systems go for my thesis proposal defense. When I learned about it we were having lunch at the office. I hugged Tita Jo our accountant; I felt glee.

I'm excited to go to Davao, too. I miss Davao terribly... I pine for Davao like a lover... I could not wait for a communion...

I went to church Sunday and as I approached the altar, I just felt my spirit lifted. I can almost hear angels sing... I'm just so happy...

I try to stay with the feeling... I want this disposition... I will remember this feeling as I continue... always, after the lent, there's Easter and i had a glimpse of it last Wednesday...

Before Sunrise...

When I taught at UP in the Visayas, I got a surprise at the end of the semester from an anonymous student. The gift is a greeting card and what made it special is: the cover design is the poster of the movie Before Sunrise. I kept this card for years and I remember I even brought it to Davao with me.

Just last month, I came to know who the anonymous student is. Her name is Kai and she is now one of my housemates. She revealed the matter rather unceremoniously, I'm bemused. I don't know how to react I said thank you profusely.

Finally, a mystery is unravelled... 

KIds Emo

Kids emo

 

When I finally came to the decision to leave my sister's house, I was concerned how to tell my niece and nephew Toni and Nonoy. I extended my stay for a week so I could bid them goodbye. I know that we have become attached to each other and leaving is not so easy.

One evening I asked the both of them to come to the room. Weeks before, I took them out on a date and we spend time malling. Toni asked me to take her to SM City and our first stop was at The National Bookstore. She asked me to buy her a Bratz sticker book and we had a long negotiation over it because I don't really think the Bratz is a good influence on her. I relented because she argued they are not really brats, to her they are angels.

After paying for the sticker book, we proceeded to the fun house where she tried her hand in basketball, she had two rides: the jeep and the carousel. I remember I shelled out a considerable amount on the tokens.

I asked if she was hungry and she asked for ice cream. We both had ice cream.
She still explored the rides while I waited for her to get tired.
Finally, she told me she was hungry and wants to eat pizza.

We ended eating at Pizza Hut. Her appetite was ravenous and she finished two or is it three slices of the pan pizza. I asked Toni where else she wants to go? Her reply: "What a great date Tita. I love you."

Taking Nonoy out on a date is a different story. This time we went to Robinson's and I told myself I would just allow Nonoy to lead me. Our first trip was to the comfort room because he wanted to wee wee.

Then he lead me to the toys section of the mall and started inspecting the cars on display. I was observing him and I know he was bent on getting one of the toy cars (remote control). I bought the car, with the batteries which was rather expensive but I made him promise to take good care of it.

I thought we would still take our snacks but he told me he wants to go home now. I surmised he's really typical male, single minded. He already got what he wanted so it's time we got home. I was concerned because he did not even ask for milk. But when we reached home, he just played and played and played with his new remote control toy car.

So, how did my saying goodbye went? Toni threw a fit; she cried and yelled and I have to placate and pacify her. Nonoy quietly left the room after saying to my face "No".
It was a scene I did not really imagine. I rehearsed my lines to convince them I was going to transfer to another house and that they could come visit me and even sleep over if their parents allow.

My sister had to come up and take Toni. I was also crying...

Toni was going to perform at SM City the afternoon I left the house... Every one in the household is watching her. I attended the final rehearsal the day before...

She complained about the song Ako Ay Pilipino as scary... Her mother explained to her the lyrics of the song... Impishly she replied: Could I just be Chinese?

I visited my niece and nephew a week after I left... Toni still cried and yelled at me... and Nonoy gave me a cold shoulder treatment...

Kids, they're so free to express their emotions... When I said goodbye again, I got the warmest hug from both of them this time...

Reclaiming Solitude

I moved out of the house to reclaim my solitude. I read somewhere that if you spend ample time with yourself you become a better companion to others.

I feel good to be home with myself once again...

The space I have gives me silence and serenity after work in the office. Slowly, I feel more attuned to life...

I'm glad I could cook my meals once again. I can choose the food that I want to eat and prepare them the way I like it. I like eating tomatoes sauteed in vegetable oil with sage and rosemary, sunny side up and bagel for breakfast.  I got a bottle of straw berry jam from Baguio which tastes so good with whole wheat bread. The soya milk is just right for the dairy and protein requirements of my body.

Lat Sunday, I went to the market and purchased vegetables. I got some fine looking egg plants, jalapeno, tomatoes, mung beans, saba bananas and lemon grass. 

Our breakfast that morning consisted of banana fritters, tomatoes sauteed in garlic, onion, and jalapeno, and fried egg plant dipped in egg. Yum...

When I got back in the evening, I sauteed the tender mung beans in onion, garlic and lemon grass for this morning's breakfast. We had fried eggplant, mung beans and malido rice. I love my breakfast in the morning these days...

Surviving domesticity!

In the beginning, I was saddled by worries and doubts if I could survive domesticity. Being at home most of the time, I have to look after my two precocious niece and nephew even if they have their yayas. Being with them is fun, but, I could not match their boundless energy and I get tired easily.

Nonoy is two and I can really attest that it is a 'terrible' age. (I even feel it’s horrible sometimes.) He loves to ride his bike and wants to play outdoors rain or shine. He adores toy cars and enjoys car racing games in the net. He thinks that to catch a grasshopper, you only have to say: "Grasshopper, where are you?" It delights me to see him get excited when seeing a ladybug, a butterfly or a caterpillar. He is such a sweet boy. He says 'I love you' when he sees you cooking his meal or when you agree to give him a bubble bath. I could not forget that time when I told them to give me a break because I am feeling weary. He patted my back...   

Toni is super smart and is very inquisitive. She's addicted to television and glued to watching Disney or Nickelodeon. We have devised many ways to discourage this habit with little success. One evening, I received a text message from her mother: Toni asked me to play some music while she paints... God! Do we have a prodigy in the house? ...Toni is so sweet. She tells me I love you Tita every so often. She's also a good lobbyist. When she received a gift from one of her godmother's she inquired innocently: Did you forget your gift for Nonoy? 

On top of planning their meals... breaking up a fight... hugging them when they get a bubu... or allaying their anxiety every time their parents go out to work...

I guess I did not only survive domesticity, I enjoyed it...

Befriending Patience

This is my 8th month in Iloilo since I left Davao. I finished my thesis proposal and my defense is forthcoming this July. To test the guide questions I framed, I already interviewed a prospective informant. I am in the process of taking notes of the interview. The presentation for my thesis defense needs some refinements but its almost done. I feel accomplished.

I am looking for a job. I applied in three universities and only one has sent a letter of acknowledgment. Classes have started, so I don't think I stand a chance. I was shortlisted for a short term research with an NGO. I am crosssing my fingers... The job interview is scheduled this July 2.

I had my share of adventures when I was job hunting. I tried my hand at teaching English as a second language, but I gave it up because of my thesis. We were asked to render twelve hours of observation as part of the training. I got a glimpse of the 'habitus' of a tutor. The two-day observation training enabled me to take some ethnographic notes, so to speak. I can write about it in my next blog. The experience is a pleasant memory... Some of the tutees were good looking...

Job hunting also took me to Zarraga, where Gamot Cogon, a school which adopts the Steiner philosophy of education, is located. A meeting with the owner of the school was arranged by my friend Jomari. I feel so cooped at home the past week, I welcomed the out of town trip. The place breathes promise... The school is only a year or so. I like the beauty of nature surrounding the school premises. Mr. Sharman, the school owner, told me that the entire property is 'hugged by a river'.

The interview prospered with me sharing some thoughts about teaching as a life project...

A close friend is inviting me to apply as Guidance Counselor at the Jaro Seminary...

This job hunting is an exciting adventure... and the experience is teaching me to be patient... to take risks... and to handle disappointments gracefully... 

I am praying that God would give me a job that would not derail the completion of my thesis. Still, I am waiting...

   

Prayer from Biboy

It was the second day of my Crossroads Retreat when I got an SMS from Biboy. Biboy is a lay missionary and former Director of the Philippine Catholic Lay Mission. I felt so happy that Biboy remembered my birthday and that he gifted me with a prayer. 

His prayer: "a beautiful thesis that would be finished on time." Also,  included in his prayer is my wish for a fulfilling work and a meaningful relationship.

Thank you Biboy. A prayer from you is a wondrous gift. 

A patient mountain climber

My thesis proposal is practically done. I am writing the refinements of my Bibliography. I worked on this for months and it is a birthday gift to myself when I turned 37 last May 19.

I am happy that I have accomplished this far. Yet, I am aware there's more work to be done until I am really, really through with my thesis. I liken myself to a patient mountain climber. I congratulate myself for the distance I have covered; and survey the path left behind and the path that lies ahead.

I have to defend the proposal and once it gets approved; there's data gathering to look forward. I know it would be another exciting adventure because I am going to meet people who will share with me their memories of Mindanao.

I am preparing the ground for the next uphill climb. I know that lessons learned would help me persevere to make it to the next "camp".

I have learned to appreciate baby steps and mustered the courage to take leaps of faith as I continue. I am tired right now, yet, there's time for respite.

Sigh...

The dark side of a hero

Imagine a super hero having a dark side? Is he still a hero? This theme was explored in the recent Spiderman movie. In the story, a chemical substance preyed host on him and slowly he succumbed to its dark nature. His evil side was revealed. First, he became insensitive to the feelings of his girlfriend. He was not listening to her anymore. He became self-centered and realized how popular and well-loved he is as a hero. This got into his head and I can say he became short of a megalomaniac.

Seemingly, his dark nature is revealed as a result of an external element. But the series of events in his life weakened him. He is hounded by the past; the death of his uncle in the hands of a criminal who is on the loose haunted him. He felt guilty for punishing the wrong person whom he mistook killed his uncle. His internal defenses are down. He became an easy prey and his evil side gained strength.

Paying attention to semiotics, I find it interesting when he entered a Catholic church to divest himself of the black Spiderman costume which clothed him in evil. My naive reading is: Spiderman man is Roman Catholic. (har har). And he needs to go to church to summon his good nature. (Hardy har har)

I think everyone noticed the scene where Spiderman flew over the hoisted American flag. More semiotics. America is the home of super hero Spiderman. America is a super power.

Nothwithstanding, I still think Spiderman is my kind of hero. Showing his dark side and conquering it makes him my kind of hero.   

   

I got the blues...

My emotions took a dip. I am depressed again. This usually happens when I am dead tired from doing mental work or when I suppressed a feeling. When the cause is mental exhaustion, I get paranoid thoughts and think negative. When this happens, I stop working. Go out and relax. Watch a movie or chat with friends. I also cook to de-stress; make a meal that requires some elaborate preparation. Somehow the knots get undone. I feel more relaxed.

But when its the latter, I hiss fire. I imagine my feelings hidden deep down and slowly it rises and spews lava... In times like this, I really have to express my deep seated feelings.

Well, it's not easy for me to express my feelings. I am a work in progress in the area of emotions. I think a lot and even analyze my feelings. In the process, I just succeed in supressing them. I have difficulty getting in touch with my feelings. Sometimes, I have to resort to watching Pinoy Big Brother or telenovelas just so I could empathize with the characters. I'm so used to numb my feelings, convinced that, I can manage this welling emotions inside. 

Its not a puzzle to me that I cry my heart out when I get to the pit of my emotions. I also suffer from nausea and dyspepsia. All these physiologic reactions are rooted in my emotions.  Its like you feel a dis-ease because you refuse to feel.

Anyway, when I am able to rest, relax, talk to somebody or write about how I feel. My emotions would stabilize and my equanimity is restored. But its not easy I have to say. A depression is a hole. Sometimes, when the hole is deep and dark, it takes a while before I could find my way out. But there's always a way out... always...